boo on your face

some days are soft. some days are hard. some days you get caught doing exactly what you swear you'd never do again. never say "god i'm glad that class isn't mine" because according to some law of the universe you WILL GET THAT CLASS (or is this just me?). every challenging personality i've had over the past year has been multiplied by three and handed back to me, and while i'm typically up for a challenge this time i feel like saying, "no thanks, oh, and fuck you."

so this is what sacrifice looks like (if you could only see my face). this is what working 40 hrs a week and going to school fulltime looks like. shitting rivers and unable to keep water down- i mean, someone told me about this- maybe i didn't listen? and what am i working for again? i know i told myself that i would forget until its over, but this is going to be a hard promise to keep.

meanwhile, i've known some fucking extrodinary people in my life- some of them quite horrible- but extrordinary none the same. to compensate for this, every day i meet someone who is totally and completely mediocre and i feel like breaking glass. i feel like shutting up forever. i'm also very dramatic.

i've learned so much. but i think i might trade it all back for some peace of mind.

sometimes i cannot imagine living for another day, because my head would explode- let alone to 99. i could not possibly continue like this for three more quarters of a century- the world is too much. everyday its something new, something else stands on its head and looks at me like i've never seen before. i could easily be older than stars at this rate. but im not. i feel so young. i feel like a baby. i feel like i don't know anything at all.

i'm tired of loving what i do all day. it makes me tired. i'm tired of it. its tiring. my brain is fried right now. everyone talks about this like its so great, sure, i mean, i did for a long time, and now maybe im missing out on something, because i think i kind of hate it. because i care about it SOGODDAMNEDFUCKINGMUCH i fall short far too freqently for me to feel good about what i do.

at the same time, at this point in my life, i dont think that anyone can really know me untill they see me with a baby in my arms.

but you can take that back too. i think. but i know that im saying this is all quite irrationally. i know how my moods change.

so- what i'm saying is: do you ever just ignore prayers?



or will you turn this
(just like everything before it)
into something new?